


It's selfish to love you

by madhatt



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Rodimus, Asexuality, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-21
Updated: 2015-02-21
Packaged: 2018-03-14 10:55:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3407954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madhatt/pseuds/madhatt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After being together for some time, Rodimus needs to finally talk to Ultra Magnus about his expectations regarding their relationship and where it's heading.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's selfish to love you

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to take the good old "if you want to read it, you have to write it yourself" advice and wrote an asexual Rodimus fic. 
> 
> Hope you like it.

Rodimus put his hands flat on the table, right next to the unfinished cube of energon. They stayed still for about five clicks, before the all too familiar tingling at the very tips of his fingers forced Rodimus to move them – first slide them to the edge of the table, then rub against his bouncing legs. "Don't be so nervous!" someone shouted, making Rodimus jump in his seat and look quickly around. The words were clearly directed at Tailgate, but the realization did nothing to calm Rodimus down. It did however force him to look across the table, at the mech sitting in front of him.

"I don't want our relationship to end,” he told Ultra Magnus. It was the first thing he said since they had arrived at Swerve's bar after their shifts had ended. It was supposed to be a calm evening, shared by two mechs who had feelings for each other. Instead it turned into a struggle. "So please don't ask me to explain.”

Ultra Magnus stared at him, his face unmoving and devoid of any emotions. Almost. Rodimus noticed the slight twitching of the other's lips, as well as the dimming of his optics. "I wasn't about to ask you anything.”

"You were, I know you were, and that's okay, you have the right to know. You should know, I should tell you. But I can't.” The words were running out at top speed and Rodimus couldn't do anything to stop them. Apparently, after he finally opened his mouth, there was no coming back. "I'm not ready to let you go yet,” he added under his breath, hoping Ultra Magnus didn't hear.

And maybe Ultra Magnus really hadn't heard that one. He didn't react like he did, at least. He just sat there unmoving - as he usually did - infuriating in his calmness, just as he was captivating in his strength. "Why can't you tell me?” he asked instead.

"You probably won't like it.” Rodimus felt his whole body tense, the gears turning with sudden difficulty and cables tautening, as he struggled to relax his clenched fists. When exactly he had clenched them, he couldn't remember.

"Then it's probably not a conversation we should be having in a public place.”

"It's probably a conversation we should not be having at all,” lied Rodimus. It was so much easier to put the matter away for another few days.

Still he followed Ultra Magnus when the other mech rose from his seat and walked out of the bar, clearly heading in the direction of their shared quarters. For the first time Rodimus felt humbled by the greatness of Magnus armor next to him. The other mech possibly sensed that, for he slowed down, waiting for the captain to fall into step beside him, and then put his huge hand on Rodimus' smaller one. It was warm and safe, and despite everything made the cables in Rodimus' body loosen a bit.

Still his mind wandered to things between himself and Ultra Magnus. What once was thankfulness on Magnus' part - he appreciated Rodimus understanding his need for time to adjust to the thought of physicality in their relationship - was now turning into worry. For Ultra Magnus was clearly ready to not only speak of his love for the captain, but also show him how cherished he truly was. The thing was, Rodimus seemed to not be interested in that kind of attention and it left Ultra Magnus confused and doubting their relationship.

Rodimus couldn't really blame him. He was well aware of his own reputation – no matter how true or untrue it was – and couldn't deny it that his easy, tactile nature only helped in convincing others that frequent interfacing was an important part of his life. The thing was, they couldn't be more wrong.

And that was something Rodimus had to tell Ultra Magnus now, as they finally reached their quarters and were alone to discuss their problems. Still, for the longest time they just stayed silent. They stood in the middle of the room, Ultra Magnus looking at Rodimus, as the other looked at the floor.

”I don't want you to interface with others,” Rodimus blurted out finally.

"Why would I want to interface with others?” asked Ultra Magnus, as the question finally brought the movement to his faceplates and made him frown.

Rodimus crossed his arms over his chestplate. He didn't want Ultra Magnus to see how much his fingers were shaking. "I don't want you to leave me and be with someone else. I want you to be mine.”

"I am yours.”

The captain of the Lost Light huffed. "Now. But soon...”

"Rodimus.” His name spoken in that gravely voice always made him pause. "You're not making any sense.”

He really didn't make any sense, Rodimus realized.

"Rodimus, do you want us to part ways?”

"No!” He didn't need to think about the answer to that question even for a second.

"Then what is it? First you act so distant, you avoid me, then this... this talk of ending our...” - this was the word Ultra Magnus still struggled with - "... relationship. I don't know what to think anymore.”

"I'm not avoiding you,” said Rodimus quietly.

"Then why do you cringe every time I touch you? You didn't do that before.”

This time Rodimus carefully thought about his answer.

"Because now I'm afraid you want more than that.”

„More than what?”

Rodimus shrugged. "Than simple touching.” He bit his lip and after a moment added, "I'm afraid you want it to lead to interfacing.”

This time it was Ultra Magnus who thought about what to say next. Finally he decided on asking, "Is it a bad thing?”

"No! Yes. I mean...”

The shaking of his limbs came back with full force as Rodimus struggled to find the right words to explain his feelings, but Ultra Magnus took pity on the trembling mech . "Do you find me not desirable enough?”

"I...” Rodimus' cooling fans whirled frantically as he struggled to overcome nervousness that was getting worse with every second. Magnus frowned and his whole body seemed to move away from Rodimus, even if he didn't take even one step back. He immediately drew his own conclusions from Rodimus' lack of proper response.

"I love you very much. I just...” Rodimus shrugged and stared at the floor of their room. It suddenly felt so alien and cold. He couldn't bear it, so he looked for comfort in the only way he knew, even if it was one of the reasons behind his current worries. "Magnus, can you hold me?”

He sounded pityful even in his own ears. But he couldn't stop himself from hoping that Ultra Magnus would look past that and forget about his own usual aloofness, and offer Rodimus comfort he so desperately needed.

His silent pleas got answered – after hesitating for a few short moments, Ultra Magnus finally stepped as close to Rodimus as he physically could and put his arms around the smaller mech, pulling him against his wide chestplate. Only now Rodimus finally relaxed and felt his spark whirl happily. Ultra Magnus' plating was warm – all the mechanics inside worked hard to move the giant armor and generated so much heat that Rodimus could feel it against his own body. His fans struggled to turn on again, but he didn't let them. He wanted this warmth to consume him.

Rodimus felt the strength slowly come back to him. And along with his strength, he also regained the ability to talk. After another moment of blissful silence, he spoke. "I don't want to interface. Not just with you, but at all.” He paused, trying to keep his voice steady as for the first time he tried to explain his feelings. He continued, talking slowly and steadily. "I don't want to interface, but I still want you to love me and hold me. And to love you and hold you back. I don't want you to interface with anyone else, only because I can't give you that. I want you to be mine, not anyone else's. I know it's selfish. I know it's not what you wanted and expected. I should have told you earlier, I know that too, but I didn't want to lose you, I...”

"You're not going to lose me, Rodimus.” Magnus' voice was sure and his arms strengthened their hold on Rodimus. "So you don't want to interface... Have you ever interfaced before?”

"No. But I don't want to. I don't care how it feels and I don't need to check if maybe I'll like it, if that's what you mean.”

"Alright.”

"I don't need to wait for the right mech either.” He rubbed his helm against the other's chestplate. "I've already found him.”

Rodimus could swear he felt Ultra Magnus laugh. But it couldn't be real, after all Ultra Magnus never laughed. It never really bothered Rodimus though – his second in command had many other good qualities. All of them – along with many of his flaws of course - Rodimus loved dearly and was proud to be one of the few to notice them.

One of these qualities was how understanding Ultra Magnus was of his partner. Rodimus especially appreciated it now, as he felt one big hand move to his back and rub soothing circles all over his spoiler. He thought that maybe he was being silly, worrying about Ultra Magnus' reaction like he had.

"I thought you knew I didn't choose you because of your flashy finish,” Ultra Magnus finally chided, but he sounded more calming than annoyed. "Of course at the beginning I thought you didn't initiate any... passionate touches, because you were giving me time to adjust. But if it's _this_ instead of what I thought it was... it's still good, I still want you as my partner. Nothing changes.”

"Now you say that. But soon you'll realize that you're so patient with me and so loving, and I can't even give you anything in return.”

Ultra Magnus' lips found the top of Rodimus' helm as he planted the softest kiss there. „You don't have to give me anything in return. I enjoy loving you. I enjoy holding you. I don't need anything more. I don't need anyone else.”

"Do you really mean it?” Rodimus looked up at his partner shyly, expecting to see some proof that Ultra Magnus was lying. Which was a silly thought, Ultra Magnus never lied.

"Of course I do,” he said. „I just wish you would've told me sooner. I feel bad for making you uncomfortable.”

"It's nothing,” Rodimus looked up at Ultra Magnus. "It doesn't matter anymore. I'm just happy I've still got you.”

"It is something to _me,_ ” said Ultra Magnus and it made Rodimus' spark whirl frantically, because it was a shy smile right there on the other's faceplates and it was beautiful. "Because it involves _you_.”


End file.
